She is my better half.

I lucked out big time in meeting her. Hit the lottery of life. Cashed in all my good karma.

Would she have given me the time of day had I not done the work? Would I even be in the place that we met if I hadn’t gone through some pretty major personal transformation?

Extremely unlikely.

My (now) wife was (and still is, of course) a bright, talented, attractive, loving, and successful woman.

I was a total mess of a person just a few years prior to our paths crossing.

The story of how we met is pretty extraordinary. More on that later… 

Don’t get me wrong, I still had a ton of growing up to do, even after we got together. And we’ve both grown tremendously over our 15 year relationship (10 of those married).

Like I was saying, I did a ton of work on myself in the years prior to meeting her.

It paid off.

I became recognizable enough to someone like her. We could talk and interact, and she wasn’t instantly repelled.

My words, choices, actions, personality, vision, and priorities had shifted into a sphere that was compatible with her own (think Venn diagram of two people).

Likewise, I had become someone that could recognize and appreciate someone with her qualities.

A connection was made. A relationship followed.

What does it mean to do the work?

It means taking a critical and compassionate look at oneself. Asking the hard questions. And owning how one’s life feels now and in the future (taking responsibility).

It means letting go of what no longer serves your path while consistently cultivating your better qualities.

None of these things are easy. But the experience can be as pleasant or unpleasant as you make it.

Sometimes it means working on your physical health: A dietary change. A fitness routine. Breaking bad habits.

It means seeking out new knowledge and examples for how to do things. Become more interesting, articulate, and useful.

And very importantly, it requires you to connect with some purpose and vision for a better future. Something that inspires you and others. Something that pulls you and nourishes you and helps you grow into someone greater.

If you think about your current self existing in a sphere that overlaps with a group of women, then how much you grow will move your sphere to overlap with new (and better quality) women.

The greater your change, the better the women become. You have more choices: looks, smarts, character, personality…

Most importantly, by going through an intensive growth process you’ll learn a ton about yourself and what you want out of life.

This allows you to put out a clear signal that will attract someone truly compatible with you.

Then you will recognize her when she crosses your path.

And it will pay off in spades.